Snow White Mass effect 2 version
by Revan Sama
Summary: The snow white story with the mass effect 2 characters. Male Paragon Shepard x Tali. I know it's been a while, but chapter 11 is here!
1. Chapter 1

**Snow white: Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter one.**

_Once upon a time, there was a queen who wished she could have a baby daughter.  
_  
"Why would I wish for that? I am an Asari, I can have any daughter I want."  
(Samara as the 'former queen')

I know, let's just pretend that you are a normal woman who want to have a girl.

"And why do I have such primal role?"

First of all : It's not a primal role and I don't understand why you are so unhappy about it.

"I survived many battles, survived at the collector base and YOU make me die because of a stupid disease that doesn't even exist!"

Be glad I gave you a role, now shut up and let me continue the damn story.

_She prayed every day, hoped the wish could be fulfilled._

"By the Goddess, please make me have a little girl, even thought I already have three of them,  
And NOT an Ardat-Yakshi this time if possible...  
Because first it would be messy and think of who will have to clean all the dead bodies in the castle." muttered Queen Samara as she prayed.

Can't you pray more properly?

"I am a justicar and a queen, so I pray how I want."

_Her wish was finally granted but..._

"Already? But I haven't finish my payers." replied Queen Samara.

_The child was born but sadly, the baby turned out to be...  
_

_A BOY !!!!  
_  
_Silence...  
_  
"...An Asari boy?" asked Queen Samara.

No a human boy.

"How is that even possible?"

Don't question science !

_The queen was too shocked and just could not accept the truth !  
_  
"I had three daughters Ardat-Yakshi and you think I can't handle THIS?"

Stop complaining and be shocked !

_Ignoring the fact that her child was a boy, she raised him into a beautiful princess.  
_  
_With skin white as snow, hair black like an endless night. The King and the queen decided to name him...Shepard.  
_  
"Why the hell do I have to dress like a girl?!"  
(Male paragon Luke Shepard as 'Snow White')

You are the hero of the story.

And beside you can't do anything else.

_One unfortunate day, the queen became suddenly ill and grew weaker each day.  
_  
"PLEASE BE WELL SOON MY QUEEN!"  
(Jacob Taylor as 'the king')

She is maybe dying but that doesn't mean she is deaf.

Princess Shepard appeared out of nowhere and asked :

"Wait a minute, My father is a black man and my mother is a blue Asari?"

That is correct.

"Then how come I have WHITE SKIN?"

(The author ignored princess Shepard)

Queen Samara slowly cough and said.

"Jacob...The...King...?....I have...more reasons...to die...then."

In tears and with sorrow, King Jacob said to his wife.

"DON'T WORRY, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE ! I SHALL GIVE YOU A KISS FULL OF LOVE AND YOU WILL BE ALL BETTER !!!"

Queen Samara looked at him in horror and replied.

"Q-Quick...M...make me die! Make me die!...NOW!"

_Uhm...Well...Soon, the queen passed away...  
_  
"Goddess bless you." said the spirit of Queen Samara before going to heaven.

_The king was really depressed  
(even thought she never loved him in the first place and he was really sad that they couldn't have intimate experiences again. She has done it only to have a child.)  
and he decided to make a vow in front of the queen tomb.  
_  
"I shall swear to heaven, I will never marry other women as my queen."

_The next day...  
_  
"SHEPARD ! I would like you to meet my new queen! She will be your new mother from now on!" said the happy king.

"What?! That was fast ! What happen to your vow to mother Samara?" replied an outraged princess Shepard.

"Who?"

" ''Facepalm' ' Sigh' Never mind...So...Who is it?"

_As the question was asked, a beautiful person with a shirt who said 'evil for the world' enter the room._

_As Princess Shepard looked her, he yelled :_

"MORINTH?!"

"She is a little shy, so be nice with her, okay dear?" said King Jacob

"Shy? My ass ! She will empty your brain as soon as you enter the bedroom and don't call me 'dear'"

"Now, now, don't be rude to your new mommy and let's be happy together. OH OH OH" laughed King Jacob.

_And so, princess Shepard got himself a new...'cough'...mother._

**END of the first Chapter.**

"Uhm...She won't try to rape me at night right?." Asked a nervous Princess Shepard.

...

"Right?"

...


	2. Chapter 2

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Two.**

_The new queen was a very beautiful and powerful person._  
(Morinth as 'step queen/mother')

"No sh*t since she is Samara's daughter." said an irate princess Shepard.

Oh...You are still here...complaining...AGAIN...

"You would be complaining too if you were a man who has to wear a dress!"

You want a pink dress?

"No."

Then keep quiet and if you keep on like this, you will regret it.

_She posse-_

"Wait a second!" interrupt princess Shepard.

Now what?

"Morinth is Samara's child...So am I in this story...so it make her my sister in some way..."

...And?

"Jacob is my father in the story...he married the daughter of his death wife who is now my step mother."

...

"..."

Hmm...Somehow it make me remember of the TV series 'The Young and the Restless'.

"Uh?" Asked princess Shepard who was a bit confused.

Let me show you

_**'Tragic music : ON'**_

Jack confronts Patty after visiting Phyllis.  
Murphy sticks up for Kay in front of Tucker.  
Victoria is released, as Nick is arrested by Adam's murder.  
Ashley and Neil make love.  
Emily wants Heather to do a DNA test so she could prove that she isn't Patty.  
Jack confronts "Emily" about lying to him regarding her pregnancy.

_**'Even more tragic music'**_

Sara enjoys living Lauren's life. (Who?)  
Jana's headaches get worse (So are mine).  
Ryder is stuck between two sides. (What the hell do that mean?)  
Kevin tries to reach out to Jana by using the Ouija board. (Do I even want to know?)

And then-

"ARGH STOP, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP!" Yelled princess Shepard.

I told you would regret it...So back to our story.

_The step queen possessed a magical mirror whom she often use for her selfish desire.  
_  
"That is what happen when you wear a shirt who said 'evil for the world!' or 'Join the Renegade side, we have pie!' too much" said princess Shepard.

_With the power of the mirror, she executed people who were more beautiful than her.  
_  
"You know, she can executed just fine without a useless mirror bought on EBAY for 5 dollars" replied Princess Shepard.

"Hey ! Just because Shepard got a better role than I have, doesn't mean I'm a piece of junk ! And she didn't buy me for 5 dollars !......OKAY , 2 dollars and 50 cent..."  
(Joker as 'Magic Mirror')

No need to be angry about it...beside it's almost time for your line Joker.

"Really? Great ! Finally a scene with the shining star of the story....ME !" said Joker the magic mirror.

_However one day, as she thought that she was the only beautiful one remain, her magic mirror said...in a happy voice.  
_  
"I have forgotten to tell you that princess Shepard is also beautiful. He is many time beautiful than you are."

...

Silence...

**ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROLE !**  
The step queen Morinth with Harbinger voice and glowing eyes :

"YOU STUPID MIRROR. YOU CAN ACTUALLY FORGET ?!?! THAT GAY IN A DRESS IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ME ?!?!?!?!"

"HEY I hear that ! and I am not gay !" said an outraged princess Shepard in the next room

"EEK ! HELP !" begged Joker the magic mirror.

_Well...Uhm...After she beat the sh*t out of her mirror.  
_  
"Wow, you are bleeding a lot...didn't know that mirrors could actually bleed between the glass." replied Princess Shepard.

_The magic mirror however was not amused._

"Don't just stand there, go bring me a Medi-gel."

There isn't any Medi-gel in this story.

"What the f*ck?!"

_The step queen Morinth decided to get rid of Shepard without the king (Jacob) knowing. She tricked him by sending him away from the castle. That is 2 % of the real story._

"Uh? Then what about the 98% ?" Asked Princess Shepard.

_She had sex with him, making his brain bleed to death and voila._

_At the funeral of the king, Morinth has made a speech for the king._

"He was such a marvelous and delicious...I mean...Great...Goo-ood husband, with dignity, pride, blackness and bald. He shall always be with in my heart. Farwell my beloved lover."

Princess Shepard was sitting next to Joker the magic mirror and said to it :

"Who the hell would believe that crap?"

Joker pointed everyone who was sitting behind them.

_Everyone was crying flowing tears and applaud the queen for her 'love' for her husband.  
_  
"I am f*cked"

"Yes you are."

_With the king gone. The step queen begins with her evil plans.  
_  
"You shall feel the pain and suffering ! I will have my revenge !" said Morinth.

"How?" Asked Joker who was still trying to put some bandages on himself.

"KuKuKu...My plan to kill Shepard is SO smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I am talking about."

_Princess Shepard was still clueless of the danger that was waiting for him._

"I'm standing right here." replied princess Shepard.

**END OF CHAPTER TWO.**

"Well at least she won't try to rape me since she hate my guts now..." muttered Princess Shepard.


	3. Chapter 3

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Three.**

_The step queen Morinth subjected Princess Shepard to cruel abuse-._

"Well at least it isn't sexual abuse." Said princess Shepard.

_-By removing his royal identity._

"Now that the black moron-I MEAN- My lovely husband is dead, I shall be the one who will take over-I MEAN- I will be a good and nice queen and you will be my sex pet- I MEAN- servant."

Princess shepard whispered to Joker the magic mirror :

"Does she even know what she want?"

"Who knows? All I know is that I need new bandages for my broken nose." said the magic mirror who was still bleeding a bit.

_She forced him to wear dirty ragged clothe-._

"Another hole on my dress? Why is there always a hole where my ass is? And now at THAT place too?! (A place you rather not look at it unless you are a sick pervert...No offense.)

"Do not worry I just happen to have new clothes for you." Replied the step queen.

"...What a coincidence..." Said sarcastically princess Shepard.

"Here take it." The step queen gave the princess the clothes she choose with all her perv- LOVE.

"...Dude...You didn't just give a bikini to wear, right?"

_**In the step queen imaginary world :**_

Shepard has a female face (still a male though).  
He has lipstick and all the stuff a woman put on her face, even thought it isn't necessary and it cost too much money.  
For some reason there is a lot of red roses around Shepard.  
What he said just now "...Dude...You didn't just give a bikini to wear, right?" is translated as "Oh baby!" Don't ask why, because I don't know.  
And he is nude for no good reason.

_**End of the step queen imaginary world.**_

"Why are drooling like this?...HEY? Are you listening to me?" asked princess Shepard.

"OOPS, sorry, wrong clothes, here are the real one."

"Great,...Before I looked like a rich girl...NOW I look like a POOR girl." replied princess shepard with a sigh.

_-He is also forced to serve the step queen._

"The tea is too hot, remake it again."

"Alright, But that doesn't mean you had to spilled the tea ON ME !" Said Princess Shepard who was still burning because of his rage AND because the tea is really hot.  
Before leaving to make another cup of tea, he muttered to himself...Something about poison and Assault Rifles.

_After days of hard work-._

"HARD WORK? MY ASS ! This is torture ! " Said princess Shepard while cleaning.

_-The princess could not tolerate the abuse anymore and quietly sobbed._

"That b*tch I will shot her **** then beat her **** and her fuc**** face of **** ."

You know,...You are supposed to cry quietly and not cursing loudly.

You are a Paragon and not a Renegade for crying out loud !

(Princess Shepard ignored the author.)

Then Princess Shepard took a deep breath and said :

"Remember Shepard, you are doing all this crap so you can be with Tali, Be with Tali, Be with Tali, Be with Tali, Be with Tali, Be with Tali, Be with Tali, Be with Tali, Be with Tali ,... (And you know...More repeats...)

_Birds and small animals became friends with princess Shepard and cheered him up by singing._

"Ah finally something nice happen to me for a change."

_Many said the princess had the most intoxicating voice that all loved._

"You want me to sing along with all of you? Okay!"

(Princess Shepard took in a deep breath.)

_Somewhere else in the castle, the step queen room._

"Ah, what a wonderful day! The sun shine, the peace, me being beautiful, princess Shepard in the dust...Oh Oh Oh...I love it !" said happy step queen Morinth.

She began to drink her tea when suddenly a sound...no a singing voice came out of nowhere !

"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !"

(The step queen spilt her tea)

"BUUUUUT YOUUUUUUUUUU DOOOON'T KNOOOOOOOW WHOOOOOOO I AAAAAAAM !"

"And I thought I couldn't bleed anymore than that." said Joker the magic mirror.

_Back to princess Shepard..._

"SOOOOOOOO LEEEEEET MEEEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOO !"

_The fact is, princess Shepard was a tone-deaf person whose voice was able to kill all the small creatures around him. (Baby birds, adult birds, squirrels, rabbit,...Anything cute)_

_Since he had a microphone it doesn't do any better_...Wait...WHERE THE HELL DID YOU FIND A MICROPHONE?

" LET MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOOOO"

...Okay, Now I am becoming insane and depressed...I need to leave.

**END OF CHAPTER THREE.**

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

CUT THAT SH*T OUT !

-----

_Elsewhere in the neighbourhood._

_An old couple was facing a tragedy...The old man was dying, his heart has grown weak and he doesn't have much time to live. The doctor said that he had one week._

"Don't worry my love I shall always be in your heart....Blanche." (What kind of a name is 'Blanche'?)

_The old woman Blanche is crying._

"I know Maurice." (Maurice? That is even worse !)

"Remember I lov-"

_Before he could tell his love to his wife..._

"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU DOOOOOOON'T KNOOOOOW WHOOOOO I AAAAAAAAAAAAAM"

_He was interrupt by the most horrible sound he ever heard in his whole life and he died with an indescribable pain._

"Maurice?! NO!"

_While crying, Blanche decided to make a vow in front of the corpse of her husband._

"Whoever killed my husband with this inhuman voice, shall pay with his or her LIFE !"

_More random enemies EMO freak with revenge for princess Shepard...Great._


	4. Chapter 4

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter four.**

_One day, there was-_

"FOR THE LAST TIME, LET . ME. IN !"

'sigh'...My apologies dear reader, it seem that there is a nuisance in front of the door of the castle.

So before we continue with the story, let us see what is going on...maybe it's better to say : read what is going on.

_**Front door of the castle.**_

_Two brave guards of the castle (who weren't well pay for their job since the step queen was here...AND before she was here too by the way.)  
__were having some difficulties with something far more dangerous than any monsters, any collectors, any reapers existing in this world._

_Something that would bring fear in the heart of the most courageous soul._

_Something that will spread ANY rumor into the entire universe, even if nobody care about it._

_Something that would lure you to bring IT in your house just because IT need some salt or sugar._

_Something that will always step into your business._

_And...worst part of it..._

_It...Will...Always...Seem...Polite !_

_In one word : neighborhood._

"Please my lady, you can't just go into the castle without an appointment." explained guard N°1.

"Don't you take that tone with me, young man !"  
(Blanche as the 'sneaky neighbor')

"Who are you calling sneaky , you good for nothing author?" demand Blanche.

I am maybe good for nothing but you exist because of me.

So what are you doing here?

"Someone with a horrible voice has killed my dying husband"

Well since he was dying isn't it better to get rid of him now than later?

" 'gaps' HOW DARE YOU, YOU RUFFIAN !"

Ruffian?

"Ruffian?" the two guards asked at the same time as the author.

"Anyway you can't come inside, princess Shepard is actually cleani- I MEAN- he is actually sing- I MEAN- He is there and you can't go that all..." said the guard N°2

"Wait...Princess Shepard...He? You dare to call the lady you serve 'a man' ?" asked blanche who was outraged.

"As a matter of fact we all do (since he beat the shit out of us, any time we call him 'she')." Replied both guards.

"And you said sing...THAT MEAN THE PERSON WHO KILLED MY HUSBAND IS IN THERE WITH THE PRINCESS?" yelled Blanche.

Actually they are the same person...

"And probably this person is forcing the princess to act like a man...only one type of person do that...A...A...A TRANSVESTITE ! "

And she doesn't even listen to me...

_**Ding dong.**_

"Ah it's midday, time for dinner." both guards are going inside the castle to eat.

"That it, I will save our princess from the transvestite and avenge at the same time my husband." And Blanche is still talking alone...

_Now let's go back to our story._

_One day, there was a prince who came from a far away country._

"Fufufu I'm so cool."

...WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE? AND WHERE IS THE REAL PRINCE?

"What are you talking about ? I, Garrus Vakarian am the future generation prince. Oh Oh Oh."  
(Garrus Vakarian as the 'fake prince')

'facepalm' seriously I need an aspirin...and some sedatives.

_He was a charming prince (almost fake)._

"Hey ! "

_Wherever he would goes, he would be admired by his fans...but..._

**THUMP **(he hit his face on the ground...mostly painful)

_He was a very clumsy prince as well._

"HOLLY SHIT! I THINK I BROKE MY NOSE! AHHHH! IT HURTS! OMFG!"

...since when does Turians have noses?

"...Imbecile."  
(Miranda Lawson as the 'front part of the horse costume')

"The **** Hell is **** going on here? Is there a fight already?"  
(Jack subject zero as the '...behind part of the horse costume')

"Go ahead say it...I am the ASS of the **** horse !"

That is...one way to put it...

Beside we did Rock-paper-scissors for the roles and you got this one.

" That bit** in front of me cheated !" accused Jack

"I have won my role fair and square...and beside I am perfect and I am a perfect front horse."

"...You...Have...no idea...of my pain and suffering." said jack in a very cold voice.

"I have to look away every time but even so I have to look so I can see where I am walking...And every time...I see it...Your **** goddamn**** ASS !

Ah...I see the problem now.

"Why? how is it a problem ? My ass is perfect too." Casual answer of Miranda.

"THAT IS NOT THE **** PROBLEM YOU SICK **** CHEERLEADER !" casual answer of Jack.

"WHAT IF YOU FART? HUH? DID YOU THINK OF THAT TOO?"

"..."

"..."

...

_Jack dared to ask :_

"You...you think your...fart...is perfect too?"

"Well...-"

"ARGH I **** HATE YOU !"

"Yes, yes I know...And the fake prince is still bleeding on the ground." said Miranda.

Ah?

"**** I forgot about the avenger justice freak." Said Jack.

Avenger justice freak?

"Yeah, how many of them are going to pester us with their 'self-righteous mode' ?"

"I'm perf-"

"Yeah you too should stop, seriously." replied Jake

_Suddenly , the fake prince heard a song sang behind the wall in front of him._

"He is still bleeding by the way." precise Miranda.

_Shut up._

_He decided to check out and climbed over the tall wall._

_Which is a very intelligent thing to do, when you bleed a lot and when the world is spinning around you._

_When he reached over the wall._

_He looked upon...to see a person that totally caught his attention._

_An...ANGEL !_

Which is only princess Shepard who is singing, surrounded by dead birds feathers.

_Since the fake prince was a bit pervert, all this made his blood boiled and he began to bleed to death._

_It was love at first sight._

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE HELL?" said a horrified princess Shepard.

_At least for Garrus it was..._

**END OF CHAPTER FOUR.**

Before Garrus the fake prince could say anything to princess Shepard.

A cool and cold voice coming from hell :

"What...Are you...Doing...In **MY** role?"  
(Tali'Zorah vas Normandy as the 'real prince')

"Ah finally some actions we are going to have fun!"  
(Grunt as the "real prince's horse")


	5. Chapter 5

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter five.**

_While The fake prince Garrus was having some difficulties with the real prince Tali..._

"Oi ! Have you kidnapped the ***** tranny already?" asked jack down the wall.

"I don't think Shepard would be happy to be called a 'tranny'." Responded Miranda

"Yeah,...I'm beginning to wonder if YOU are not the tranny here."

"That is impossible, because I am perfect and even if I was a tranny I would be a perfect tra-..."

"Okay you know what...let's do as if I've shutted my mouth." said jack while entering into ' facepalm mode'.

_Suddenly, the fake prince fell at the bottom of the wall, while bleeding more than he did before (which reminds me...shouldn't we call the hospital?)._

_Apparently he was shot by a shotgun...twice._

"This act is extremely dangerous. Anyone other than Garrus will end up more than a few bleeding scratches so if you also possess a shotgun, do not do this at home..." Said Tali.

"You shouldn't do it either !" Yelled Garrus.

_Ladies and gentlemen...Today...we have enter inside a battle. But not any common battle...A LEGENDERY BATTLE..._

_A battle that will decide the fate of love of a young male princess who can't decide between the two princes who both held his heart._

"I choose Tali..." Replied Princess Shepard.

_A TERRIBLE decision that he can't make alone and he is so indecisive and bitter about it..._

"I choose Tali..." Replied again Princess Shepard.

_SOOOO much that he needs the help of the author of this rewritten story to make the final choice without ANY regrets...ANY, ANY, ANYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...Regrets._

"What do you don't understand in 'I choose Tali'...?" Asked an irate Princess Shepard.

_So please lady and gentlemen...Place your bets !_

_In the left corner we have the young...not so young naïf fool who still think that Princess Shepard is a female, with his double biotic experts horse-..._

"I am perfect." the front part of the horse costume has spoken.

"My ***** biotic power are better than hers ! Don't put us in the same bag you ***** author!" the ass part of the horse costume has spoken.

_-...The Fake Prince : GARRUS VAKARIAN !_

(You can hear the cheers of all the fans of Garrus which is usually 48,99% females fans)

_Now, in the right corner we have the young Quarian maiden with a magnificent HMWSG Master line of Shotgun, with her soldier Krogan horse-..._

"I am pure krogan; you should be in awe!" Said Grunt

_Right...The Real Prince : TALI'ZORAH VAS NORMANDY NAR RAYYA !_

(You can hear very...Very loud cheers of all the fans of Tali which is usually 97,99% males fans.)

"You hear that, Vakarian? I have more supporters than you do, I have a Krogan who can headbutt you and leave you K.O AND I have a shotgun. What do YOU have?" Said Tali who was provoking the fake prince.

"AH! That doesn't mean anything. I have a sniper rifles and I have my double horse : Jacky and Mirandy!"

SHLACK ! (Jack hit Garrus in his face...mostly painful.)

"Who the **** are you ***** calling Jacky?"

"Hmpf, even a disgraceful pet name make me perfect." replied Miranda.

"Seriously stop this perfect nonsense." said Jack.

"See? Even my nonsense is perfect."

_Before Jack could strangle Miranda, she was stopped by Garrus._

"Stop this right now, we must concentrated on Tali so I can married my beautiful human doll."

(He wink at Princess Shepard.)

(Princess Shepard is chanting the same words...something like "tried not to throw up".)

"That your ***** Problem if you want to marry a tranny."

"'Gaps' She is not a tranny ! She is an angel ! Who could be more perfect to be Archangel's bride than an angel?"

"I'm NOT a Woman, I am a powerful and dignified male commander !" Said an outraged princess Shepard.

" Then why are you dress like a woman?" asked the fake prince Garrus.

"It's part of the rewritten story, Your are not even supposed to be here. There wasn't any fake prince in the script." explained The real prince Tali.

"And a tall pointy hat. A dress and a tall pointy hat like any princess in the human fairy tales." continue fake prince Garrus

"You don't believe me but you actually believe fairy tales?" Asked an irate real prince Tali.

"And my small beard huh? How do you explain that?" Dared princess Shepard.

"I thought it was just probably your peasant blood dear. A lot of men find a bit hair on the body sultry and attractive."

_..._

_Silence..._

"...I wish a lot of women did." said Princess Shepard.

"I don't believe it..." 'Facepalm mode' for Tali.

"...That it, I am traumatized more than before." Whined Jack.

"...I am perfectly distressed." Replied Miranda dramatically.

"And you make it worst!" Yelled Jack.

"Can I headbutt him?" Asked Grunt.

_Everyone said (beside Garrus) :_

"Please do..."

_After Grunt has put Garrus K.O, something terrible happen!_

"AAARGH WHAT THE?"

_Princess shepard has been captured into a special cage where he can't use any weapon or any biotic power._

"What the **** is going on now?" Asked Jack.

"SHEPARD ! We are under attack; prepare yourself and wake up Garrus !" ordered Tali.

_Jack and Miranda kicked the fake prince so he could wake up and it worked._

"Uh What? I..." replied Garrus.

_Before someone could answer him, a mysterious voice came out of nowhere spreading some nonsense like usual._

"OH OH OH OH. To protect the world from devastation! To unite all people within my nation!

To denounce the evils of truth and love! To extend our reach to the stars above!

Your GOD will blasting off at the speed of light and crush his enemies with his biotic sight!. OH OH OH."

...

"No way...not him again..." Tali's eyes became wide.

"That weakling little twerp?" asked Grunt.

"The nuisance is back apparently." said Miranda.

"***** Not HIM !" Cursed Jack.

"Oh Yes...Me in person...In immortal flesh...THE BIOTIC GOD!"  
(Biotic god as the 'Hunter')

**END OF CHAPTER FIVE.**

Tali turned to Garrus and said :

"Garrus I think we should forget the fight for now and concentrated on saving Shepard."

(You can hear Tali's fans gaps and saying "what a brilliant and wise decision !")

"All RIGHT! The one who will save Shepard will be the one to married her!" said an excited fake prince Garrus.

"Did you even hear what I said?" Asked an angry Real prince Tali.


	6. Chapter 6

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Six.**

_The Biotic God hunter has captured princess Shepard !_

_And WORST PART of it...!_

_He has began to tell the WHOLE story about how he became the new antagonist of the story._

"Seriously, Why does every villain in stories has to explain their fu**ing inner feelings to the heroes and still think they are bad-ass afterward?" asked Jack.

-Cough-_Saren_-Cough-

"Yes I agree. My own explanation would be more perfect and every single details would also be perfe-" started Miranda.

"Cheerleader, if you don't stop your fu**ing bull sh*t, I'll give you a real imperfect biotic punch in your **** face !"

"With the biotic god it may as well take a few pages before chapter seven came out..." Replied Real prince Tali.

"Spar us the details, I beg of you, spar us the details,..." Prayed and begged Grunt the real prince's horse.

"Can I have a magazine? It's getting boring in this cage." Asked princess Shepard who was still held captured inside the cage.

"ANYTHING YOU WANT, DARLING!" Yelled Fake prince Garrus.

"Don't call me 'darling'."

"You don't need to worry ! I will save you from this guy and from boredom ! HERE! I have a photograph album of my fami-" proposed Fake prince Garrus.

"I rather die of boredom. I don't want to see them." said princess Shepard.

"B-B-B-But...! 'sob' There are photos of 'sob' naked baby me !" Said Garrus while fake crying.

" ESPECIALLY THOSE !" replied an irate princess Shepard.

"You impertinent fools ! You better listen to me when I tell about my evil and tragic recruitment." Stated the biotic god hunter.

_**Somewhere in the past, inside the step queen's room...**_

"I warn you, magic mirror ! This is the last time I ask ! Who is the most beautiful in this world?" Demand the furious step queen Morinth.

"For the last time, it's still Shepard. Even with all the holes in his dress, with his hair like a punk and even more now that he has shaved his small beard and his legs.  
(which was really gross and painful to watch by the way.) " answer Joker the magic mirror.

_In rage for not being the most beautiful person in this world...AGAIN..., the step queen gave orders to one Hunter, that she has hired in the newspaper,  
to captured princess Shepard, bring him into the woods and kill him._

"So, Let me explain my new evil brilliant plan." said the step queen while using a fork...Yes a fork... to demonstrated her evil plan she has draw on the blackboard.

"Did you have to spit on my glass after I told you were second place?" asked Joker the magic mirror while the small windscreen washer are working.

Yes we have windscreen washer in the snow white story, to show you how modern and modest I am to put those in this parody.  
Usually it work on cars but you would be amazed how good it works on mirrors too. And beside they were cheap so...

"Silence fools and look on the blackboard." complained Morinth the step queen.

"Black boar?" asked once again Joker.

"BOARD!...now listen carefully. Since humiliating Shepard by using my influence as the new queen doesn't work, I will have to use my intelligence to make my dearest wish come true."  
Explained the step queen while using the fork to show the doodles of her evil plan on the board.

"Becoming a vampire? But you already are! Except you don't drink others blood, you rape them to dea-" Guessed Joker the magic mirror.

"No."

"Having the role of the wolf in Red riding hood mass effect 2 version. The next parody of the author?" Guessed once again Joker the magic mirror.

I said MAYBE I would do another parody after this one. MAYBE !

"...Not this time. The other wish : Becoming the most beautiful person in this galaxy !" Then you can hear the evil laugh of the step queen.

"Is that why you poisoned the previous queen Samara?" asked Joker the magic mirror

"'gaps' How do you know?" asked a shocked Morinth.

_The Magic mirror showed to the step queen the bottle of poison she used to kill Samara the previous queen._

"It has your name stitch on it with a few pink hearts around the name." Replied Joker the magic mirror.

"DAMN IT ! I knew I forgot something !" said angrily the step queen.

"Never mind, I have found a professional hunter in the newspaper to put my mind at ease and kill princess Shepard."

"You...read the newspaper..." said Joker the magic mirror.

"There was nothing on T.V and beside how do you think the king has found a new queen so quickly?"

"I thought it was on internet?"

"True, but he also saw my picture and my small announcement on the newspaper." Explained the step queen.

_The step queen took an old newspaper and show her previous announcement._

_On the old newspaper there was a photo with Morinth in a bikini and the announcement said :  
__Looking for a pigeon-I MEAN- a partner, doesn't matter male or female, beautiful or not , hair or no hair. Just be famous, rich and know what to do in the bedroom : In one word, stay still._

...

"...Just...How many people did response to this announcement?" Dared to ask Joker the magic mirror.

"Lots of them actually, but I thought that being a queen would be much more fun and exciting."

"And that why spent your whole time drinking tea and read the newspaper..."

"AND raping and killing a few soldiers of the castle too, naturally." précised Morinth the step queen.

"Naturally..." 'facepalm mode' for the magic mirror.

"So anyway I have found the perfect assassin for princess Shepard,  
he is a bit small but he can make sure your hopes in salvation and perspectives in the life that we live today are destroyed.  
It's nice to know there's evil out there in a world full of terror and...more evil." explained the step queen.

_**Knock-Knock.**_

"Ah he is here. Come in !" said the step queen.

_The door opened slowly, a small bluish little Volus character enter the room, dirty, disgusting, slimy, hideous,..._

" The word "Volution" is sufficient in itself ..." replied Joker.

"It's VOLUS ! And let me introduce myself _'clear his throat'_...I am the Biotic God ! Or 'Professional Hunter 2010' on MSN at night."

"Good, here are my orders : Capture princess Shepard, bring him into the woods and kill him there." ordered the step queen.

_**Somewhere in the present...**_

"And that is how I became the official hunter of the step queen." said the biotic god hunter inside the microphone...By the way, where did this microphone came from?

"And that is how I learn that-"

"That-"

_Our heroes were all sleeping soundly, even princess Shepard in his cage._

"HEY! You are supposed to listen to God's words !"

"If he is done now, can I throw him a grenade?" asked Grunt.

"Since we don't use grenades like in Mass effect 1, it's going to be difficult." replied the real prince Tali.

"Oooh." Grunt was really disappointed.

"So now that I have the princess and I have told you my 'tragic recruitment into the dark side' I will take Shepard into the wood to kill him with my cheap-I MEAN- fancy car. OH OH OH."  
said with an almost good evil voice the biotic god hunter.

Since when do you have a car? I thought you took the job because you were low in cash?

"It's a renting."

Oh...

_And so the Biotic God hunter drove to the very far away woods with the cage attached to the car. You can hear also princess Shepard's laments but that is less important for now._

"Well that was quick..." said Jack.

"Do someone know where those woods are?" asked the real prince Tali

"I know that place...it's called 'the forest of warm mucus'." answer Garrus the fake prince.

"What kind of a name is that?" asked again an horrified real prince Tali.

"Hey don't look at me! I didn't decided the name ! Beside, since it's a lost forest no more, it mean we have a chance to find my future bride."

"You still think he is female ?"

"She is not?" asked Garrus

"Nevermind..." 'Facepalm mode' for Tali.

" All we need is just to follow the signs, piece of cake." Replied Grunt.

"No cake, thanks, I am on a perfect diet. How far is it on the card?" Asked Miranda.

"It not written on the card..." said Garrus.

"So if I understand the signs indicates the direction of a former lost forest that is not on the card because they do not want it to be found?" summarized Miranda.

"Well..." said Garrus the fake prince.

"It's ***** stupid." cursed Jack.

"'sigh' We should really go after him, before he really kill Shepard." said a worried Tali.

"No need to worry about that you know...it's only the start of our quest so officially princess Shepard can't 'die'...at least not yet." explained Miranda.

"But how the fu** are we going to the woods or forest or whatever? The cheating bast*rd has a car! And I'm warning you, I'm NOT going to play the dumb horse role until we arrive THERE!" asked and warned Jack.

"I guess we'll have to walk." answer Miranda

"Okay." replied Grunt

Grunt is running until Garrus and Tali asked him to stop and yelled :

"Why the hell are you running?"

"I always travel like that." answer Grunt from far away.

"You will have to **** calm down." replied Jack.

"Beside the way you run is imperfect." said Miranda.

"Tch. How boring." said an annoyed Grunt.

"Well excuses us for not having Krogan's legs." replied everyone except Grunt.

...

So...This is it.

This, my dear readers, is how our big quest begin.

Will they find their way to the forest of warm mucus and also inside of it?

Will they save princess Shepard? What will happen to him?

Will they beat the sh*t out of the biotic god hunter and the step queen? (the magic mirror isn't an antagonist.)

"Thank goodness." replied Joker the magic mirror.

How about Blanche the sneaky neighbor? Will she be part of the group to save princess Shepard?

Who will princess Shepard marry? The fake prince Garrus or The real prince Tali?

"For the last time I CHOOSE TALI !" Yelled princess Shepard inside the cage.

Will the author stop her nonsense and finally go to the point?.

Please stop by next time to read (when it's out) chapter seven of snow white mass effect 2 version !

**END OF CHAPTER SIX.**

"OH, by the way, we do need a name for our group!" said Garrus.

"Oh, how about 'Special Garrus and lesser women?'"

_Grunt clear his throat._

"...okay 'Special Garrus and lesser women and male Krogan?'"

"How about 'Shut up Garrus, we will decide that on the next chapter?' " Replied everyone except Garrus.


	7. Chapter 7

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Seven.**

_They were strong, they were beautiful, they smelted good the sand ...  
For their virtue and their glory, they captivated audiences.  
The good, the brave and pure hearts, in unison followed their adventures in the firmament of beloved souls, their name shone like a holy fire !_

"Wow !" said everyone

"What a wonderful definition !" replied Garrus the fake prince.

"Holy sh*t that was great !" said Jack.

"We are bad-ass." said a proud Grunt.

"I couldn't have say better." nodded Tali the real prince.

"I could have, because I'm perf-" proclaimed Miranda.

"Shut up, we know." answer everyone beside Miranda.

OH NO !

"Uh? What? What's wrong?" asked everyone.

IT'S YOU GUYS AGAIN!

"Who else do you think it is?" asked a confused Tali.

"Why the long face?" also asked Garrus.

Because I'm in the wrong story THAT why and I gave the wrong introduction !

'sigh' Nevermind I will give the right one this time. Let us start all over the beginning.

_The numskull team continued their stupid expedition to save a transvestite princess._

"Ah...Yes...It is a change indeed..." said a disappointed fake prince Garrus

"The tone is really different." said Grunt.

"I liked the other one better." said Tali the real prince.

"You're not the only one." said Jack.

"To have epicness and then pathetic...it really make me feel apathetic." replied Miranda.

...

...

...

"The way she just said that...it really sounded perf-" said garrus the fake prince.

"Don't encourage her !" interrupted Jack.

_Anyway...It was evening so they had to find a suitable place to sleep._

"Ah but I know a famous place where we could find a room or two for sleeping until tomorrow." stated the fake prince Garrus.

"Are you sure this place is really safe and hygienic?" asked a septic real prince Tali.

"Of course! Who do you think I am? It's worthy of royalty ! Trust me, trust me !" answer fake prince Garrus.

_The old tavern known as the "Sewer Rats lewd" offers many amenities...And NOT that sort of amenities (keep your mind and soul clean if you please). _

_After an evening of songs and several foods of low quality, our heroes decided to spend the night without incident, in the cozy warmth of a mattress infested with fleas and cockroaches. _

_Our brave comrades back on the road in the morning, heading now towards the former lost forest of warm mucus for a trip of lots of kilometers through the countryside._

"Never more!" relied all the females of the group.

"The place was nice." Said Grunt.

"But I told you that it's all the stupid innkeeper's fault!" Said the fake prince Garrus to defend himself.

" But you **** weren't forced to tell him that his beer smelled and tasted like sweat." replied Jack.

"And it wasn't necessary to shot him in the leg with your sniper." replied The real prince Tali.

"And it wasn't necessary to broke his imperfect furniture." Replied Miranda.

"That is just a few unnecessary details." sigh fake prince Garrus.

"Being attacked by several drunk guys and a innkeeper is an unnecessary detail?" asked the real prince Tali.

"And why did we ran away? We should have fight them!" exclaimed Grunt.

"Hell Yeah." approved Jack.

"We don't have time for that, we have to save Shepard quickly so we can go home as soon as possible,...Beside I have to do my perfect hair." said Miranda.

"I have to repair the drive core of the Normandy." said Tali.

"I have some adjustment to do." said Garrus.

"Yeah right Garrus...admit it, you just want to adjust your hair too which isn't really hair by the way." accused Jack.

"What? ! That is a lie ! ...And beside those are my real hair !" Garrus defended himself.

"Your 'hair' looks more like a bird's butt. No need for gel on it. It stay that way." Said Grunt with a small chuckle.

"Now that you mention it..." replied Miranda.

"DON'T SPECULATE ON MY HAIR !" yelled The fake prince Garrus.

"Anyway, we should be on our way. To the forest of warm mucus and I can't believe I said that." said Tali.

_And so our heroes traveled a few kilometers toward the former lost forest._

_**On the way.**_

"You know we really should consider to have a name for our group..." began the fake prince Garrus.

"...The one you have chosen in the end of chapter six is out of the question." finish the real prince Tali.

"No, this time we will chose together because we are an epic team!" said proudly the fake prince Garrus.

"Yeah! Beside the old man in the tavern said that it was important for a group to have a fu**** kick ass name or else it would make us...what was the word he said?" said and asked Jack.

"Moronic." answer Miranda.

"Yeah! That !" replied Jack.

"But why is it so important?" asked Grunt.

"Because every single heroes elsewhere has a name except US ." said the real prince Tali.

"That is bull sh*t." Said Grunt.

"No it's not, it's useful so we can be famous and have more cash-I MEAN- more friends goo-d friends..." said Jack rather nervously.

"Famous? We are just saving a princess who is a man and who has been captured by a little twerp who think he is god. How could this make us famous?" asked a septic Miranda.

...

...

...

...

"Uhm..."Nervous fake prince Garrus.

"Well..." Unsure Grunt.

"-cough-" Evasive Jack.

"I-I'm sure that the author won't let us down on that matter, she surly will find us a real purpose for this parody. Right miss author?" said and asked the real prince Tali.

_Silence..._

"Author?" asked everyone.

**Beep.**

You are on the author's voice mail, if you have a message for me please push the bottom 1.

"What the ****?" cursed Jack

**Beep.** (Tali the real prince pushed the bottom 1)

Answer : Ah yes, the 'messages' I have dismissed that claim long ago. If you have more of those, please be aware that it will be erased. Bye.

**Beep.** ( End of the voice mail)

_Silence..._

"It seem we have been dismissed..." said Grunt.

"BUT that will not make us give up!" said an energetic fake prince Garrus.

"And we will be really famous." Said the real prince Tali.

"Yeah like that you will be the 'moronic' famous." said Jack with a hint of sarcasm.

"HEY !" Said everyone beside Jack.

"Should I remind you that you are with us." replied Miranda.

"Oh sh*t." cursed Jack.

_**On a few kilometers later...**_

"How about the ' Avengers'?" proposed Garrus.

"Huh?" asked everyone.

"See? We are all avengers ! Tali with the geth, Jack with Cerberus, me with Sidonis, Miranda with Nick, and-"

"I didn't avenge anyone." said Grunt.

"Oh ****." Said Garrus the fake prince.

"And beside we don't need to be more EMO freaks than we already are." said Jack.

"EMO FREAKS !" proposed Garrus.

"NO !" answer everyone except Garrus.

_**Still on the way...**Until they hear someone asking...rather yelling for help._

"AH PLEASE HELP ! I AM UNDER ATTACK !" said the person in need.

"Ah? someone needs us..." said a calm Miranda.

"Finally some fun ! Charge-" said Grunt and Jack.

"Wait." interrupted Tali the real prince.

"Now what?" said Grunt and Jack.

"We need to be organized." replied Tali and Garrus approved.

"We have to be strategic."

"Hey do I have to remind both of you that it isn't a Neverwinter Nights or Star wars Knight of the old republic game !" said an irate Jack.

"Yeah ! We are in mass effect 2 version ! We charge, shoot and hope for the best !" approved Grunt.

"I hate to admit it but they are right on this matter." replied Miranda.

"Still we can't just go there and do reckless fighting." argument the real prince Tali.

"Beside the guy who handles the special effects is on a vacation." said the fake prince Garrus.

And the author, in word 'I' don't want to explain to the readers all the small details of the fighting.

"Uhm...You know...I am still in danger while you are talking." said the person in need.

"Shut Up!" said everyone.

"I guess we don't have much choice...We have do to...The Final Fantasy combat system." stated Miranda.

"The most boring combat system? !" asked an horrified Jack.

"Are you nuts?" asked Grunt.

"It's the only way, beside it's not so bad and it's a really popular game." explained Miranda.

(Grunt and Jack are disappointed)

(Tali and Garrus could care less)

(Miranda perfect win)

So let us start the fight to save...?...BLANCHE? ! the sneaky neighbor? !

"You really took your time, didn't you?" said Blanche.

You can't die anyway...for now...

"What?" asked Blanche.

Let us start the fight.

MUSIC !

(Final fantasy combat music : ON)

**Team...uhm...without name...**

"EMO FREAKS !" said Garrus.

"For the last time...NO !" everyone except Garrus.

**VS...five bandits + Boss of the bandits.**

_Grunt attack bandit N°1 : special attack : head butt._

_Result : bandit N°1 K.O_

"Too easy." said a victorious Grunt.

_Tali and Garrus attack bandit N°5 and N°3 : normal attack both._

_Result : Bandit N°3 shot by shotgun has no more head and bandit N°5 shot by sniper in the chest. Both enemies are K.O ._

"No need for special attack with weakling like this." Said Garrus the fake prince.

_Miranda attack bandit N°4 : special attack : Boring talk about perfectness._

_Result: stat of the enemy : insane._

_Finish move: Awesome slow biotic attack that crush the bandit skull. Epicness !_

"The perfect taste of my perfectness." said Miranda.

"Cut that sh*t out !" said everyone except Miranda.

_Jack attack bandit N°2: special attack : Biotic choc wave._

_Destructive result : bandit N°2 and the boss are K.O and sent at the end of the planet._

"Oops...sorry." said Jack.

"HEY ! We were supposed to kill the boss together !" replied an angry Grunt.

"I said I was fu*** Sorry. What more do you want?" answer Jack.

_End of the fight, the sneaky neighbor is still alive...barely..._

"HEY!" said an outraged Blanche.

Sorry.

"So who are you Mrs.?" asked Garrus.

"My name is Blanche, the next door neighbor of the royal palace. I am on a journey to avenge my husband and save princess Shepard from the horrible transvestite."

"Transvestite?" asked everyone except Blanche.

"Wait...the one who kidnapped Shepard was the Biotic god hunter..." said Tali the real prince while thinking.

"Do that mean...he is a..." said without finishing fake prince Garrus.

_..._

_Silence until..._

"EEW ! GROSS !" said everyone except Blanche.

"I don't ever want to know what is behind his suit...or her...or whatever." replied Miranda.

"Do we really have to save Shepard from ...that thing?" asked Grunt.

"We don't have much choice since it's part of story...ARGH this is fu**** disgusting !" cursed Jack.

"Oh so you are all here to save our princess too? I would like to join the group if possible."

"Okay." said Garrus and Tali.

"Wait! Are you sick or something?" said Jack

"Why?" asked Garrus

"It's a nice old lady who has the same goal as us." replied Tali.

" We know nothing of this old woman and you want to hire her ? Without checking her background and without visiting a proper vet? you're mad ?" asked Jack.

"If it is about my skill, I assure you that-" said Blanche.

"And what skill do you have anyway." interrupted Jack.

"I can cook."

"Okay, you can come."

"That was quick." thought everyone except Jack.

_And so they continued their way to the former lost forest of warm mucus with their new companion Blanche._

_What kind of nonsense is going to happen next?_

**END OF CHAPTER SEVEN**

"By the way what is the name of our group?" asked Blanche.

"Oh Sh*t" thought everyone except Blanche.


	8. Chapter 8

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Eight.**

_Last time we were talking only about the progress of the...nameless group._

"NAMELESS GROUP !" proposed the fake prince Garrus.

"NO!" said everyone except Garrus.

"It's like those **** moron who name the main character : main character." said Jack.

"It's imperfectly old fashion." said Miranda.

"And stupid." replied Grunt

"From my time, young people could give really good names." replied Blanche.

"Beside I think it's already taken." said the real prince Tali.

_Yeah...Those guys..._

_As you all know, in the real story of Snow White, the poor hunter took Snow White into the forest, but found himself unable to kill the girl which is a boy in this parody.  
Instead, he let her go, and since the step queen wanted Snow White's heart as a proof,  
the hunter brought the step queen the heart of a wild boar which smell the same as a human heart by the way, so unless you are a cook or a butcher, you can't tell the difference._

_But that is not what happen in this story._

_First, the step queen indeed asked for Shepard's heart as a proof_  
(Seriously what's up with all those hearts proofs this days? What will you do with the heart afterward? Eat it? It will attract flies and think of the smell !  
How many times will you have to wash yourself so the smell go away? !)  
_but since the biotic god hunter though of a cooler, better and less stinky proof there while be no heart attack scene in the parody._

...

Heart...Heart attack...

...

You are suppose to laugh at the author's stupid and useless joke.

...

Or at least fake it.

(Fake laugh of the public)

That is better...So as I was saying.

_The biotic god hunter was going to kill Princess Shepard and bring the step queen his finger_ (like the Yakuza, which is ridiculously painful).  
_And the biotic god had not the mercy of the old hunter in the real story of Snow White. But you know how it goes, Princess Shepard punch in the...supposed face of the biotic god and ran away in the forest of warm mucus...  
By the way, why didn't he took the biotic god's car to return at the palace?_

"You're kidding right? Didn't you saw what happened last time with the Mako?" asked a horrified princess Shepard.

_Point taken. Anyway, after regaining conscious, the biotic god hunter couldn't return at the palace without a proof but he came up with an idea._

**At the step queen's palace.**

"A small French bread?" asked the step queen Morinth.

"What? It's the same color !" said the biotic god hunter.

Not...really...

_As for the rest of Princess Shepard's fate it will be in another chapter._

**Back to the moronic idiots...**

_The group continued their journey into the countryside to go in the forest of warm mucus to save princess Shepard who saved himself but they still don't know about it._

"Look over there !" said the real prince Tali.

" Indeed, a solid stone bridge spanned the river." stated Miranda.

"And on the bridge there seems to be someone who keeps watching us." Blanche.

"That is really creepy." said Jack.

"It seem to be one of those ogre from the game Jade empire." said the fake prince Garrus while looking closer.

"GREAT ! CHAR-" yelled Grunt.

"No fighting !" replied the real prince Tali.

"Yeah if we keep up like that we are going to get kill." approved the fake prince Garrus.

"We must be cunning." said Blanche the sneaky neighbor.

"What's cunning?" asked Grunt.

"Is that a drug?" asked Jack.

"You don't know what it is to be cunning?" asked Miranda.

"Well excuse me for not being subtle cheerleader" said Jack with a hint of sarcasm.

"No, I just beat the sh*t of my enemies." answer Grunt.

"Keelah preserve us..." 'facepalm mode' for Tali.

"Well...Cunning is to win without fighting." explained Garrus.

"Is that what the Krogan calls fear?" asked Grunt.

"What kind of **** way of winning is that?" cursed Jack.

"No, it mean that our intellectual level has augmented." argument Blanche.

"It mean that our cowardice level has augmented and our self esteem has decreased as well." said Jack.

"And how are we supposed to level up if we stop fighting?" asked Grunt.

"Just let me try to talk to him and if we can't go through then we will fight." replied the real prince Tali.

"YEAH." said Jack and Grunt.

_The real prince Tali went closer to talk with the 'guard' of the bridge._

"Excuse me sir, can we go to the other side of the river?" asked politely the real prince Tali.

_Hidden in the bushes, the others muttered to her _:

"No need to be polite Tali, it's an ogre." whispered the fake prince Garrus.

"Yeah, no need to do all this ****." whispered Jack.

"Don't let us pass, please refuse, please..." prayed Grunt.

_Miranda and Blanche just waited for result._

_The ogre seem to ponder on the matter for a second and then said casually._

"Miss, I have the regret to inform you that I can't let you and your companions through. My deepest apologies."

"...Huh?" asked the real prince Tali.

"Holly sh** The fu**** Bas*** can talk intelligently !" cursed Jack.

" I also possess excellent hearing." answer the ogre who knew all along that the others twerps were hidden in the bushes.

"Great..." said everyone.

"I think he knew our position because you were being too noisy, Jack" said Miranda.

"Shut up cheerleader !" Yelled Jack.

"To be able to pass, you need to be married." explained the ogre.

"It's a tradition, peoples who are married go to the forest of warm mucus to getting through the horror that contain the forest. what better prove of love?"

"What great way to increase the policy of divorce." said Jack with a hint of sarcasm.

"So we need to get married to pass..." said the fake prince Garrus.

They decided to talk about what to do. Far away from the ogre of course.

"So what do we do?" Asked Miranda.

"Fight !" replied Grunt.

"No." said everyone except Grunt.

"We could sneak through the guard." proposed Blanche.

"Good idea Blanche." said the real prince Tali.

"For a sneaky neighbor you know what to do." said Jack.

"But we will need a distraction for us to sneak the other side of the river." explained Miranda.

"That is where 'me' Garrus Vakarian the first, prince of unknown have a good idea." said the fake prince Garrus.

"I was afraid of this...what is your plan Garrus?" asked the real prince Tali with a sigh .

"The guard said that as a prove of the marriage he has to assist at the ceremony or having a testimony.  
We don't have that. So two of us has to get married so the others can pass without problems." answered the fake prince Garrus.

"I don't get it." said Grunt.

"Sh**." cursed the fake prince Garrus.

"It mean that someone has to get married so we can go to the other side. Capiche? (understood?)" explained and asked Jack.

"...Married...Okay." said vaguely Grunt.

"So who is going to get married while the others get through?" asked Blanche.

...

...

...

"I **** refuse to get myself married to any of you !" expressed clearly Jack.

"We have to do rock-paper-scissor to decide." said the real prince Tali.

_And so they did..._

_The fate of two person has been chosen randomly.  
This is a date that will be remembered by centuries by all the future readers who will read this chapter.  
Here in front of the priest...Two decided people will be united._

...

"Ever since I became a C-sec officer, I have tolerated all kinds of pain and suffering."

"But never did I expect such insult...Such disgrace. An unforgivable sin."

"Nothing I went through before can be compared to this."

"Why? Why does it happen to me?"

...

"So do you, mister Vakarian take this Krogan as your mate?" asked the priest.

"Please kill me..." pleaded the fake prince Garrus who was getting married with Grunt.

**END OF CHAPTER EIGHT.**

"And now you may kiss your mate." said the priest with a gentle smile.

"WHAT ? !" asked an horrified fake prince Garrus.

"Come on honey, be united with me." said Grunt in a totally out of character way.

_You can see Grunt's sweating face very close to Garrus, with his...wet big lips in front._

"NO ! GRUNT STOP ! NO ! HELP-"

(Disgusting sound of a wet French kiss on the lips.)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

_While the others are sneaking through the bridge :_

"Oh my god, eww." said Miranda.

"It's like watching a horror movie." said The real prince Tali.

"No sh**." agree Jack.

"I can't bear to watch." said Blanche.


	9. Chapter 9

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Nine.**

...

_He step back._

_He can't accept the truth._

_It's impossible, it must be impossible._

"...Grunt, t-this has to be some k-kind of joke." said the fake prince Garrus with a trembling voice.

_Grunt however was really serious, his blue eyes were even sparking._

"I'm sorry Garrus, I wish it was...But it can't be avoided." replied a dramatic Grunt.

_Then he took some sort of package from a...cradle? !_

"Since he is already born, we might as well just raise him.  
Now Gruntus (Grunt + Garrus = Gruntus) daddy want you to call Garrus mommy." said Grunt in a happy voice.

_So, to described the baby...well...Somehow it looks like a hideous lobster with a white-grey skin like his...mommy  
and big...very, very big blue eyes like his...daddy. As for his hair, it's better not to ask._

"mama." said Gruntus.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO-"

...

**End of the nightmare, back in the reality...**

_Garrus woke up screaming and sweating a lot. But a few second later he realize that he isn't alone in his tent.  
Someone was sleeping next to him and talking in his beauty sleep._

_Something like that :_

"Ah don't touch me there...Garrus...so bad...'snort'..."

(Sound of a destructive kick and blood spread)

"Grunt...WHAT the HELL are YOU doing IN MY BED? ! because of you I had this monstrous nightmare !" replied an irate fake prince Garrus.

"But honey, we are married." said Grunt while recovering from the kick.

"It was for fake ! And don't call me honey!" yelled the fake prince Garrus.

"Why must you be this loud at such early hour?" asked the real prince Tali who just woke up.

"Yeah, it's been a f***** long day you know." said a sleepy Jack.

"People of my age have to sleep at least the entire night." replied Blanche.

"And I had such perfect dream-" said Miranda.

"About yourself being perfect, yeah, yeah we know." said Jack with a sigh.

"It's his fault, he was sleeping in my tent and...wait a minute..." pondered the fake prince Garrus.

"...How long have been sleeping in my tent?" asked Garrus.

"After you fell asleep of course." answer Grunt.

(Sound of a gaps)

"What the hell have you done to me while I was asleep? !" Yelled a horrified fake prince Garrus.

"What do you mean?" Asked a confused Grunt.

"I mean...You...Y-You didn't tried to...you know...tried to rape me and make me pregnant? ARGH I SAID IT !" Yelled a mad fake prince Garrus.

"What sort of nonsense are you talking now dear?" asked Grunt

"DON'T CALL ME DEAR !" yelled once again fake prince Garrus.

"I just slept by your side, like any sane normal married couple." explained Grunt.

"Normal couple...?" Tali the real prince asked herself.

"Sane?" Jack asked herself.

"But still I-I don't know what to say, I didn't know that you were already fertile enough to bear my children. I am really emotional right now." said Grunt with a 'not emotional at all' face.

"WHAT? !" asked a scandalized fake prince Garrus.

"Well, the good news is that the conversation isn't really sane anymore." replied Miranda.

"How is that a good news?" asked Blanche.

"Anymore? You mean it was sane before?" asked Jack.

"I demand that this supposed wedding is annulled !" Said and confirmed the fake prince Garrus.

"Is that what they call a crisis of divorce?" asked a not so worried Grunt.

"Since when does Krogans worried about divorces crisis?" asked the real prince Tali.

"Ever since the population became low." answer Grunt.

"And beside why the hell am I the one who will bear the children? I am a male !" said the fake prince Garrus.

"So am I." stated Grunt.

_Garrus sighed deeply and decided to explain to Grunt, with some doodles on a blackboard_ (Where did it came from by the way? !) _why this marriage thing is so wrong._

"So let me explain this clearly and slowly."

**Male Turian (me) + Male Krogan (you) = Not only no children, but also = nervous breakdown.**

"Capiche? (Understood?)" asked the fake prince Garrus.

"Now that was explicit..." said the real prince Tali.

"If this is all you worried about honey, then let us go to a psychiatrist and everything will be alright." said Grunt like a normal, suppose to be, husband.

"He didn't listen to me at all, did he?" asked the fake prince Garrus to the audience.

"Now that everything is set alright, how about we have some lunch?" asked Blanche who has prepared the group's break feast.

"Oh great I'm f**** hungry." said Jack.

BAM ! (Blanche hit Jack on her head...not so painful but still not nice.)

"Ouch, what the hell was that for? !" asked Jack.

"No swearing at the table young girl." said Blanche clearly.

"I'm a prisoner ! Did you already saw a white female bald prisoner without swearing?"

...

"Fair enough." said Blanche with a sigh. Then she also said :

"Now let us all pray to god for the good meal."

"Great...A religious old freak...Wait...We have to pray too? !" thought everyone.

"Go on Jack it's your turn." said Blanche with a small smile.

"What the f***? !" thought Jack.

"Okay...well...In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and...Someone."

"Our Father, which is in heaven, who...(sh** I don't remember the rest !)...Thank you. Amen."

"Well that was short." thought everyone except Blanche who praised Jack for the prayer.

_While they enjoyed their lunch, Garrus the fake prince made a vow._

"I swear to god that I will break this marriage and have a divorce BEFORE the final chapter and epilogue !"

Will he succeed ?

**END OF CHAPTER NINE.**

_**Somewhere at the previous bridge...**_

"Oh no, they forgot the testimony of their marriage ! Without that they can't get divorce...Oh well, they will just have to get along." said the ogre.


	10. Chapter 10 Golden part 1

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Ten GOLDEN part 1.**

Oyez! Oyez! Oyez !

Announcement from the town crier-Cough-the author-Cough- !

This isn't a real chapter ten, but a special chapter ten GOLDEN !

"What's the difference? It's still chapter 10 isn't it?" asked the real prince Tali.

Yes indeed young female prince, it is a special chapter who in two parts !

"What's the occasion ? " asked the fake prince Garrus.

"To celebrate our marriage?" asked Grunt.

(Garrus kick Grunt in the face...mostly painful.)

"It's not Christmas you know..." said Blanche.

"Or any other stupid feast." also said Jack.

"It's not even Ramadan." added Miranda.

"YOU do Ramadan? But you aren't even Muslim..." Asked a suspicious Jack.

"Practice for my perfect diet." answer Miranda.

"Oh-" said everyone.

Anyway, the occasion is that there is now ten chapters for Snow white : Mass effect 2 version.  
And when chapter twenty will came out...if it came out...I will do something special as well...I'll try at least.

OHOHOHOH-

"Why the hell are you laughing ?" Asked everyone

**So let us start :**

"You know we should probably tell the readers what we have been through since the last time we have camp." Said the fake prince Garrus.

"You mean since the last chapter." said the real prince Tali.

"Yeah don't sound like an old man who just remembered the day he got married." said Jack.

"But we just did-" said Grunt.

SHLACK (Garrus kick Grunt's face...mostly painful.)

"Don't remind me..." threat the fake prince Garrus.

"But I don't really want to be remind of all the coarse things that has happened to us." Said blanche.

"But it's rather important that peoples knows that we did something brave and really good...for once..." Argument Miranda.

"NOO-...It's going to take hours to tell them all about it !" said an irate Jack.

"What a nonsense, I, Garrus Vakarian, will be the one who will tell them the magnificent adventure we just had !" Said dramatically the fake prince Garrus.

"It would be better if we told them together." said the real prince Tali.

",GAPS, B-b-b-but W-w-why?" asked a fake crying fake prince Garrus

"Because it's going to take days with all the small unnecessary details you are going to add." answer the real prince Tali.

"Pfff...Kill joy...Alright." said the fake prince Garrus with a sigh.

"So, everything has begin the morning after we have -cough- passed the horrible 'incident' of bridge."

(Everyone except Grunt is coughing)

"You mean after our French wet kis-"

"Shut Up." Said the fake prince Garrus in a low threatening voice.

"It's already gross before starting." said Blanche.

"Actually if we want to be perfectly specific, it all began at chapter one where queen Samara died and-" Began Miranda.

"Cheerleader, go eat a fu**** ice-cream and chock yourself to death with it." said Jack.

"They already know all about the other chapters." said Grunt.

"So everything was fine,...until we got lost." narrate the fake prince Garrus.

"And who's fault? Hmm?" Said the real prince Tali while looking at Garrus.

"But we were already lost !" said Garrus to defend himself.

"Still because of you." said Miranda.

"Not very much of leader skills..." said Blanche.

"You know what my skills are telling you, old woman?" answer the fake prince Garrus.

"They told us that we were lost." Said Jack.

"Don't worry honey, I'm with you!" said Grunt.

"That doesn't encourage me at all !" said The fake prince Garrus.

"Then while we were having all our stupid rambling...we have met...Her !" narrate the fake prince Garrus.

_**-Flash-Back-**_

_As our nameless group were yelling at each others, there was a burst of light and a red haired fairy appeared...Wait...Red hair?_

"Don't be alarmed, Cinderella,...I know you would love to go to the ball. And so you shall!...Wait...am I in the wrong story AGAIN?"  
(Kelly Chambers as the " not so mysterious fairy")

"Who the hell are you?" asked Jack.

"You are being familiar! how impolite !" said Blanche.

"It's quite alright, to aim for a civilization beyond that made possible by the nexus of the surrounding environment will result in unloosing sickness into the very society we live in.  
Collective activity cannot be encouraged beyond the point set by the condition of the social organism without undermining health." said Kelly the fairy.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" asked everyone.

"I have no idea but it always sounds good on television." replied Kelly the fairy with a smile.

"Well since I'm here, I will do you a favor before going back to the Cinderella story. What is your problem exactly?" asked Kelly the fairy.

"'Guy with hair like a bird's ass' over there got us lost." said Jack while looking at the fake prince Garrus.

"HEY!"

"If you could give us some direction or something that could help us to go to the forest of warm mucus it would be nice." said the real prince Tali.

"Hmm...Yes...Indeed I have something that could help you in your quest." said Kelly the fairy.

"Really ? Great!" said everyone.

"Alright...55 000 credits please."

"...! 55000 CREDITS?" yelled everyone.

"It's a scam !" said Jack.

"It's an humanitarian cause !" said Miranda

"It's too expensive you mean !" said Blanche.

"We don't have all this money!" said the real prince Tali.

"Come back when you'll have it." said Kelly the fairy.

"I sell you my wife-" began Grunt.

SHLACK (Garrus kick Grunt in the face...mostly painful)

"Not interested...But maybe we can compromise. If you can give the answer of a riddle I'll give it to you." proposed Kelly the fairy.

"Sh** a f***** riddle..." cursed Jack

"Let's just beat her down." said Grunt.

"NO!" said everyone.

"Violence isn't a solution." answer Kelly the fairy.

"Since when?" asked Grunt.

(Face palm mode for everyone)

"It would be perfect to listen to the riddle." replied Miranda.

"Yes it would be wise and beside I have my tear bomb in my bag." said Kelly the fairy.

"You have a tear bomb?" thought everyone.

"So here is the riddle :I am never far away from my other sister, they say often that I have the scent of vomit,  
a body part that is not really nice, located very far from the olfactory organ. What am I?" said Kelly the fairy.

"My brain hurts." said Grunt who had a headache.

"No wonder..." said Blanche.

"We will never find out !" said a desperate house wife-cough-I mean fake prince Garrus-cough-.

"Well to make it short...It's stinks and it's far from the nose..." said the real prince Tali

"I know It's-" said both Miranda and Jack...

"THE FOOT !" said first Jack

"The foot !" said second Miranda.

"Congratulation..."

"Miss Lawson !" said Kelly the fairy.

And as you can imagine it...

"WHAT THE FU**?" said an outraged Jack.

"Thank you very much." said Miranda.

"It was a perfect answer." replied Kelly the fairy.

"Yes I know. Your hair are also perfect like mine...You went recently to the hairdresser?" asked Miranda.

"Yes ! Thank you for the compliment. I just went the other day." answer Kelly the fairy.

"SINCE WHEN ARE YOU BOTH COMRADE?" asked an irate Jack.

"I'M THE ONE WHO FOUND THE ANSWER FIRST !"

"Tch tch tch...Bald women..." said Kelly with a sign.

"They envy our perfect hair and our perfect style." agreed Miranda.

(They continue on and on about how jack is 'imperfect'.)

(Garrus and Tali are trying with much difficulties to prevent Jack from using her kick ass biotic punch on both Miranda and Kelly.)

"Yeah! Finally some fun !" said Grunt.

"Don't encourage her!" said both Tali and Garrus.

"She has a tear bomb!" said the fake prince Garrus.

"What if you crush it and we got everything in our faces?" asked the real prince Tali.

(With much difficulty Jack decided to stop.)

"****" cursed Jack from far.

"Well that was dangerous." said Blanche.

"Bit**"still cursed Jack from far.

"Since your perfect friend has found the answer..."

-cough-

"...I will give her three useful stuff." Said Kelly the fairy.

"That would be nice." Said Blanche.

"It's Suck !" still mumbled Jack from far.

"Here is my first present...!" said Kelly while showing the item.

"A shampoo bottle?" asked everyone.

"AH ! I don't need that !" said Jack from far.

" l'oreal : Because I'm worth it." replied Miranda while showing the shampoo bottle.

"AH ! my ass, yeah !" said Jack from far.

"The next item is to help you to find your way..." said Kelly while showing the item.

"An electronic compass?" asked everyone.

"It will guide you to the place you want to go." explained Kelly the fairy.

"In other words : you give us all the sh** you can't get rid of." stated Jack.

"Ah yes before I forgot...take those golden stone." Replied Kelly while giving them to Miranda.

As you can imagine :

"WHAT?" said an outraged Jack (she coughs violently in rage).

"Well hum...Thank you...I guess..." said an unsure real prince Tali.

"It was a pleasure...Now if you'll excuse me, I have to see Cinderella...bye !"

"Wait! How does it-" asked Garrus the fake prince.

However it was too late, the fairy disappeared.

"Sh** I forgot to ask how does the electronic compass work !" stated the fake prince Garrus.

"I think it needs two batteries..." said the real prince Tali.

"We should have killed her." said Grunt.

"She had a tear bomb." remind Blanche.

"Where are we going to find two batteries now?" asked Miranda.

"Shut up CheatLeader !" said Jack.

"I won this perfectly, if you had my perfectness and my perfect hair you would have maybe a chance." explained Miranda.

"If I had you hair, I would use them to strangle you to death!" said clearly Jack.

"We should try to find some batteries in the next town." Said Blanche.

_**-End-Flash-Back-**_

"Then we went to the next town...but that will be for the part Two of the Golden chapter Ten !" said the real prince Tali.

Don't miss it !

**END OF PART ONE OF GOLDEN CHAPTER TEN.**

By the way...The three items she gave them will have their use in : Part two of the golden chapter ten.


	11. Chapter 10 Golden part 2

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Ten GOLDEN part 2.**

Greetings mister or miss...or whatever you could possibly be.

Shall we continue the story and see what kind of grotesque event we have in reserve?

Alright...ON IT !

_Last time our nameless heroes have found (more by mistake than luck) Kelly Chambers the fairy and in her great generosity she-_"

GENEROSITY? ! My ass yeah ! and I said the correct answer first !" exclaimed Jack.

_Everyone cough except Miranda._

"All this, just because she had cool hair like 'miss I fu***** know everything'. " said Jack while glaring at Miranda.

"It's not my fault if you have bald hair." explained Miranda.

"What if I shave your head, huh, what will you do?" asked Jack.

"It doesn't matter, I am still perfect...and I can still use the L'Oreal shampoo. "

_Jack grab the bottle of shampoo from Miranda's hand and screamed :  
_  
"Helps 'men' to look less bald ? ! "

"Yes, to make my head even more valuable, with or without any hair. You should use it too Jack. In order to be 0,5% better than 0% perfectness." said Miranda.

"IT'S FOR MEN !" exploded Jack.

"And your point is...?" asked Miranda.

" I AM NOT A MAN !"

"You look very manly for someone called Jack..."

_The two princes Tali and Garrus try to prevent Jack from killing Miranda with a fork...Plus her kick ass biotic punch._

"That enough, we have finally found a town to buy the two batteries for the electronic compass to find princess Shepard and I hope you will all behave yourself !" said the real prince Tali.

"Tell that to the bi***." said Jack.

"My behavior is perfect." Said Miranda.

"Just D.I.E , you and your perfectness !" Answer an irate Jack.

"Where will we find some batteries for this compass anyway?" asked Blanche.

"To the flea market of course, I do all my shopping there !" said the fake prince Garrus.

...

Silence...

"What?" asked the fake prince Garrus.

"You...A prince...You buy stuff at the flea market?" asked everyone except Grunt.

"That my sweet lover for you, always trying to thrifty." Said Grunt

"Greedy is more appropriated." muttered Jack

"For the last time I am not your lover, and secondly I am saving our money for the two batteries to save my beloved princess !"

Note of the author: he still think that Shepard is female here...

"You know dear, being greedy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins." said wisely blanche the sneaky neighbor.

"I thought it was a French TV show of Julian Courbet?" asked the fake prince Garrus.

Face palm mode for everyone.

_Our nameless heroes went through a seedy village, inhabited by villagers unlikable and cheap. In one word, a real paradise of thieves and brigands._

" So, I was saying that we must decide in which order we visit the shops." Said the fake prince Garrus.

"Who is coming with me to find the batteries?"

_The real prince Tali asked for volunteers._

Everyone at the same time :  
"I don't have any money." said Jack.  
"I want to buy some perfect clothe." said Miranda.  
"WEAPON SHOP, WEAPON SHOP ! " Grunt of course.  
"We need food for when we get to the forest of warm mucus." said Blanche.

"ARGH Not all of you at the same time !" said the fake prince Garrus.

"Don't you have any consideration toward Shepard?" asked a outraged real prince Tali.

"Not really. So, I have seen you all too much today, I need to be alone for a while."

_Jack leave the group for now_"

But-" said the fake prince Garrus

"Weapon shop...HERE I COME."

_Grunt leave the group for now._

"How-" said the real prince Tali.

"I'll take my leave for now."

_Miranda leave the group for now._

"See you at the inn, dears."

_Blanche leave the group for now._

_...Both princes of the story are left behind for now._

"Ingrates..."

"Bosh'tet..."

**Somewhere in the dark forest of warm mucus...**

_Princess Shepard...alias Snow White, was now all alone in the great forest of mucus which is not a great forest since there is a lot of...__excrement around here.  
So it's rather difficult to walk without...stepping in 'it'...Don't force me to give more details about it please._

"Argh now I'm lost inside the forest, alone AND without any assault rifle." said princess Shepard.

_And he did not know what to do._

"Maybe I could cut of all the trees or burn the entire forest !"

I SAID he did not know what to do !

"Hmm but then again, they didn't put any axe in Mass effect 1 and 2. I don't even have any match for the fire..."

_The trees seemed to whisper to each other, scaring princess Shepard who began to run._

"AAAAAAAAARGH-" screamed princess Shepard

Wow it actually work !

"I walked right on shit and a lot of mucus ! It stings ! "

Yeah hum...could you...hum...please don't come any closer.

"Coward..." muttered princess Shepard.

Not coward but Survivor !

_He ran over sharp stones and through thorns._

"It's a good thing that I have my good old armor onyx N7 right?"

Actually you don't have your armor here...All you have is the ugly dress given by the step queen Morinth.

"Is that why I'm bleeding like hell ? ! " screamed princess Shepard.

Well that is what you got when you run without looking where you go.

_Just as evening was about to fall he saw a little house and went inside in order to rest._

First he knocked at the door.

_**CRACK !**_

I said knock at the door, not destroy the door.

"It's a paper sliding door ! How was I suppose to know it would break?"

_Inside the house everything was tidy...that is how you know that it isn't a Commander Shepard's house._

"HEY !" said an outraged Princess Shepard.

_There was a table with a tidy, white tablecloth and seven plates. Against the wall there were seven beds, all in a row and covered with quilts._

_Because he was so hungry and very rude, princess Shepard ate a few vegetables and a little bread from each plate and from each cup he drank a bit of milk THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO HIM !._

"Look it's not my fault if they aren't here and beside it would be a waste of veggies." explained princess shepard.

_Afterward, because he was so lazy- tired I MEAN TIRED ! He lay down on one of the beds and fell fast asleep._

**Inside de town where our nameless heroes are...**

"Ah there you are all." Said Jack.

"gosh, I did not expect to see you all in time!" said the real prince Tali.

"This city suck." Said a disappointed Grunt

"No sh**." agreed Jack

"People are rude, or else half crazy, it smells bad and it's ugly." said Blanche the sneaky neighbor.

"It could be Jack's city." said Miranda.

"Cheerleader if you have other sh*** remarks like this, you can keep them for yourself ! " replied Jack.

"Traders are crooks! We went to a shop for batteries and they wanted the 3 golden stone for the two batteries !" explained the fake prince Garrus.

"It's theft in daylight !" said the real prince Tali.

"Now that the electronic compass is complete we can go to the forest !" said Grunt.

"Alright everyone...LET'S GO !"

**Inside the house in the forest...**

_After Princess shepard fall asleep...while snoring..._

"ZZZZZ'snort'ZZZZ'Snort'ZZZZZZ'SNORT'ZZZZZZZZZ"

Loudly...I don't know how the Love interest in mass effect 1 and 2 do to bear such grotesque sound.

Anyway...

_After dark, the owners of the house returned home.__They were the six dwarves and a geth pet who mined for Iridium in the mountains for upgrade for the Normandy SR2...  
How do you think you could have all those metals at the start of mass effect 2 just by having the level 60 in mass effect 1 ?_

As soon as they arrived home, they saw that someone had been there -for not everything was in the same order as they had left it.

In one words they are maniac !

"Who has been reading my lov-I MEAN simple poetry book?"  
(Ashley Williams the first poet dwarf.)

"Who has been eating from my plate?"  
(Kaidan Alenko the second wimpy dwarf...supposed to be dead but was resurrected.)

"Who has kindly been eating my vegetables...WITHOUT PERMETION? ! REVENGE SHADOW BROKER-I MEAN- WHOEVER HAS EATEN MY FOOD !"  
(Liara T'soni the third switching personality dwarf.)

"Who has taken my Special Krogan edition of fornax?"  
(Udernot Wrex the fourth badass and pervert by circumstance dwarf)

"Intruder. 99% chance that it's a human, 1% that it's an animal with strange complex. No offense Legion. Who has been drinking in my cup.?"  
(Mordin Solus the fifth Mad scientist dwarf, more maniac that the others)

"Who has been throwing away my star wars tales of the Jedi : Redemption ?"  
(Thane Krios the sixth obscene with redemption dwarf, religious and killer...perfect for the ladies !)

_But the seventh one, who was the Geth pet named Legion, was looking at his bed and yes the pet has a bed, found Princess Shepard lying there asleep...and snoring loudly._

_The six dwarves all came running up to their Geth pet, and they cried out with amazement. They fetched their candles and shone the light on Princess Shepard._

"Oh good heaven! " they cried. "A transvestite!"

And they were supposed to say 'this child is beautiful' like in the script but...Oh hell, I give up.

**END OF THE LAST PART OF GOLDEN CHAPTER TEN.**

Next time, how Princess Shepard will react at the dwarves?

We will see that in Chapter 11.

Hope it wasn't that boring...


	12. Chapter 11

**Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.**

**Chapter Eleven.**

_After seeing the first meeting between Princess Shepard and the seven dwarves, You must have been wondering what happened to Prince Tali, Fake Prince Garrus, Blanche, Grunt, Miranda and Jack, Right?_

_Our heroes have founded the forest of mucus and decided to travel it to rescue princess shepard who is now inside the dwarves' house._

_The night began to fall ... they had to find a suitable place to sleep._

"I'm hungry, it's been hours since we began to walk in this disgusting forest." said an even more EMO Jack.

"It's alright, I can perfectly walk gracefully like a fairy even in this beastly place." said the perfect Miranda Lawson.

"Cheerleader, nobody give a damn sh** about the way you walk."

_After rising to the heavens ethereal fantasy of vulgarity, the group found a place very proper! With less mucus on the ground..._

"It should be fine here...Still I worried about Shepard,...He doesn't even have a assault rifles." said a worried prince Tali.

"Don't worried about that! I will save my beloved little princess from any enemies we encounter HOHOHO." Said a confident fake prince Garrus Vakarian aka Archangel.

He still think Shepard is a female...

"Garrus, for the last time, I am the Prince of this story. Don't interfere between Shepard and me. Beside a lot of people voted for me to be the prince." explained Prince Tali.

(You can hear a lot of cheerful voices coming from all the Tali Fans.)

96,50% of these people are male.

"You are the one who is interfering Tali! I will win in the end. You'll see!"

(You can hear a lot of cheerful voices coming from all the Garrus Fans.)

96,50% of these people are female.

"Come on kids, please don't fight while I prepare dinner. Beside the author hasn't wrote the epilogue yet." Said Blanche the neighbor.

"Yeah, Stop your fuc**** pairing battle." said Jack.

"Yes, it's so old fashion and perfectly ridiculous to argue over pairings. Beside you are ruining my perfect sense of creativity for my hair." said Miranda while combing her hair.

"Where the hell did you find that comb? We are in the middle of a forest!" asked Jack.

"It's my personal comb, I even use it when I was on the normandy."

(On the comb you can see Miranda's name on it plus a quote : A perfect comb for perfect hair.)

"I never saw you use it on the normandy." Said Prince Tali.

"And let anyone touch it? Are you mad!" said an outraged Miranda.

"You are the mad one with your fishy hair!" exclaimed Jack.

" GAPS, My hair are NOT fishy! And even if they were, they would be perfectly fishy!" said Miranda.

"Keelah, I have a headache..." said prince Tali.

"It's been like this the whole trip..." agreed fake prince Garrus.

"Oh, by the way. Haven't you seen Grunt?" asked Blanche.

"It's almost time for dinner yet he has secluded himself."

"That is not normal" Said Prince Tali.

"There is nothing normal here anyway." said fake prince Garrus.

"We must find him, beside it's your spouse anyway."

"HE is NOT my SPOUSE!" exclaimed fake prince Garrus.

"Yet you married him perfectly legally." said Miranda

"You even had a french kiss with him-" said Jack.

"Don't say IT! And since when do you agree with Miranda?" asked fake prince Garrus.

"To annoy you of course." said Jack.

"Obviously" said Miranda.

"ARGH fine, fine, let's go look for Grunt."

_After putting a camp to a place with much less mucus, they went searching Grunt in the area._

"There he is! Hey Grunt!" called prince Tali.

Indeed, Grunt was hiding behind a tree for some strange reason.

"GAPS, GUYS! Don't come any closer!" Said Grunt.

"But why?"Asked Miranda.

"Are you 'touching' yourself." asked Jack.

"That was...far too much information Jack..." Said a disgusted fake prince Garrus.

"Why? You are his wife. You shouldn't be embarrassed."

"I am not his wife! And why am I the wife?"

"Grunt, why are you hiding behind this tree?" asked prince Tali.

"Is there something we can do to help you dear?" asked Blanche.

"NO! I...I just...need to..." said Grunt with low tone.

"Need to what?" Asked fake prince Garrus.

"Well...You know...I need to..."

...

...

...

...

Everyone at the same time :

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAA-?"

"You mean you,...Have to go to the...Bathroom...Like...right now?" asked Blanche.

"Hum...well, yeah..."said Grunt.

"But why didn't you do it already? We are in a forest. There is a lot of space." asked fake prince Garrus.

"You just have to know where to put it." said Jack.

"Are you mad? I am a pure Krogan! I won't dishonor myself by doing IT somewhere not clean full of mucus."

"What's different? It will be unclean anyway!" said Prince Tali.

"It's different...Also I have lost my pants."

"You...What?" asked everyone.

"A raccoon stole it."

"You lost your pants because of a raccoon?" asked fake prince Garrus.

"That's ridiculous!" said Blanche

"No sh**!" said Jack.

"So let me get this stray: we have a Krogan without any pants who need to go to the toilet." resumed Miranda.

Wow what a perfect resume.

"I know." Agreed Miranda.

"Don't encourage her!" Disapproved Jack.

"Grunt, you said you didn't wanted to do it somewhere unclean right?" asked prince Tali.

"Yeah"

"But the only clean place is..." said Blanche.

"...Is our camp." said fake prince Garrus.

"What? Are you fuc**** out of your sh*** mind? I am not sleeping next to his piss!" exclaimed Jack

"Uhm...No.." said Grunt

"What now?" asked Jack.

"I...it's not piss..."

"...?" Everyone was puzzled.

"I...have to do N°2."

_Everyone looked at him with horrified eyes._

No...

fuc****...

way...

_'cough' After this...revelation...they decided to hold a strategy meeting...a bit far away from Grunt and his...'cough' reeking problem 'cough'._

"Argh, it's starting to reeks like hell!" said Jack while covering her nose.

"And he hasn't done anything...yet." said Miranda.

"Guys, you know I can hear you right?" said Grunt from behind the tree.

"If you don't come up soon with an idea, I'll go myself to the camp to...you know."

Suddently Jack took Garrus by his neckband and yelled :

"Garrus, I swear to god, even though I don't believe, If you let him do his sh** next to the camp, the only clean place in this forest we can sleep, I'll slap your ass with a singularity until you bleed!"

"L-Look...It can't be that bad. Right? Perhaps it will be just a little." said a rather nervous fake prince Garrus.

...

"What?"

"A Krogan...doing a 'little' sh**?" Asked Jack.

"Well...Yeah."

"From what I can smell, it doesn't look like a 'little'." said Miranda.

"Beside he is naked. I don't want to see him doing his...affairs and see his...uhm.." said prince Tali.

"I am not naked." replied Grunt.

"But you said a raccoon has stolen your pants." said Blanche.

"Yeah but that doesn't mean I am naked."

Grunt came out and indeed he wasn't naked but...

"Grunt...That's a diaper..." said fake prince Garrus.

"Yeah."

"Why the hell would you wearing a diaper?" asked Jack.

"On the normandy, a lot of our crew protested about Grunt going in the bathroom. The toilet became clogged. They couldn't flush it and it was almost full..." explained Miranda

"EWW." said prince tali.

"Oh dear." said Blanche.

"Damn it cheerleader, that's gross!"

"But it's the truth. And to solve the situation, Shepard gave a diaper to Grunt."

"So that's why he had a gas mask every time he went to see Grunt." said fake prince Garrus.

"Guys...UGH...I...Can't...take it...anymore!"said a suffering Grunt.

"Quick, QUICK! Someone has to put a stick in his ass to stop anything coming out!" said Jack

"You can't be serious!" said Prince Tali

"ARGH HERE I COME!" said Grunt while running toward the camp.

He tripped on a tent and began to...uhm...'lose himself'.

"NOOOOOOOOO, my Tent!" said Jack.

_And that is how, Jack has taken Garrus' tent and why the fake prince was bleeding and trying to sleep outside, next to Grunt's...things._

**END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN.**

Author's note: What is ridiculous doesn't kill you.

Next time we will see how is princess shepard doing in the dwarves' house.


End file.
